A CD Player
While shopping for my first CD player, I was able to decipher most of the technicalese on the promotional signs. One designation had me puzzled, though, so I called over a salesperson and asked, “What does ‘hybrid pulse D/A converter’ mean?” “That means”, he said, “that this machine will read the digital information that is encoded on CDs and convert it into an audio signal - that is, into music.” “In other words this CD player plays CDs.” “Exactly.”
You Might be Addicted to AOL if
* Tech Support calls “You” for help.
* Someone at work tells you a joke and you say LOL.
* You watch TV with the closed captioning turned on.
* You have called out someone’s screen name while making love to your significant other.
* You keep begging your friends to get an account “so we can hang out.”
* Three words: Carpal tunnel syndrome.
* You want to meet a girl/guy and your first impulse is to turn on your computer.
* you’ve ever gotten onto an airplane just to meet some folks face to face.
* you have to get a second phone line just so you can call Domino’s.
* You have ever joined “Si habla Espanol” (Spanish chat room) “just to work on my Spanish.”
* you’ve ever typed “drinking on AOL is better than drinking alone.”
* you go into labor and you stop to type a special e-mail message letting everyone know you’re going to be away.
* you have a vanity car tag with your screen name on it (oops thats me twice!).
* you no longer type with proper punctuation, capitalization, or complete sentences.
* you have met over 100 AOLers.
* you begin to say heh heh heh instead of laughing.
* when someone says “What did you say?” you reply “Scroll up!”
* you find yourself sneaking away to the computer in the middle of the night when your spouse is asleep.
* you turn down the lights and close the blinds so people won’t know you are online again.
* you know more about your AOL friends’ daily routines than you do your own spouse’s.
* you find yourself lying to others about your time on-line and when they complain that your phone was busy you claim it was off the hook
* you have an identity crisis if someone else is using an s/n close to your own
* you would rather tell people your bloodshot eyes are from partying too much instead of the truth (all night online).
* you change s/n’s so much that you have to get your profile to see who you are (identity crisis here).
* you’re broke, your modem burns out and you go out onto the streets to sell your body to get a new one.
* you open your home to 15 strangers for a week merely because they have computers and cool s/n’s.
* your kids are standing at your side saying “mommy, please come cook dinner” and you would rather type another “LOL”
* you marry your cyberboyfriend/cybergirlfriend and you both sit at your own computers and chat to each other every night from across the room.
* you type messages to people while you are on the phone with them at the same time.
* you won’t work at a job that doesn’t have a modem involved.
* your dog leaves you.
* you have to ask what year it is.
* you are doing things more and more that you swore you would never, ever do when you first found chat.
* you write a letter like this…”dear tom, hiyas! how r u doin well i gotta go bbl!”
* you name your pets after people with whom you talk online.
* you smile sideways. 
* you sign on and immediately get 10 messages from people who have you on their buddy lists (::cringe::).
* you have a map on the wall with red thumbtacks to mark where people you have met are.
* you look at an annoying person off-line and wish you had your ignore button handy.
* you bring a bag lunch and a cooler to the computer.
* your significant other kisses your neck while you are chatting and you think “uh oh, cybersex pervo.”
* you have withdrawal symptoms if you are away from the puter for more than a few hours.
* you use AOL lingo in everyday life (if you still have one… hehehe).
* you take a speed reading course to keep up with the scrolling.
* your buddy list has over 100 people on it.
* you wake up in the morning and the first thing you do is get online before you have your first cup of coffee.
* you have to inject No-Doz into your butt to keep it awake.
* you have your computer set up so that it goes directly into AOL’s welcome screen.
* you wait 6 hours online for a certain “special” person to come home from work.
* you don’t know where the time has gone.
* you end sentences with three (or more) periods while writing letters in pen/pencil.
* your relationship online has gone farther than any real one you have had.
* you get up at 2 am to go the bathroom but go turn on your computer instead.
* you spell things out loud instead of actually saying the word.
* you don’t even notice anymore when someone has a typo.
* when you enter a room and 23 people greet you with {{{Hugs}}} or ***Kisses***
* you stop typing whole words and use things like ppl, dunno and lemme
* your voicemail/answering machine message is “BRB, leave your s/n and I will TTYL.”
* you type faster than you think.
* you got your psychiatrist addicted to AOL, too, and are now undergoing therapy in private rooms instead of at his office.
* you want to be buried with your computer when it dies…or vice versa
* you actually enjoy the fact that you are addicted.
* you can actually read and follow all the names of the cast that scrolls up your tv screen at the end of a movie.
* people say, if it weren’t for your super reflexes in your eyes and fingers, you would have long been classified as a vegetable.
* you dream in text.
* being called a newbie is a *MAJOR* insult.
* there is absolutely no interesting chat any room and you are really bored….yet you don’t want to leave in case you miss something.
* you double click your tv remote.
* you can now type at more than 70 wpm.
* you think about starting a 12-step recovery group for AOL junkies.
* you are on the phone for a minute and need to do something else you say “BRB” or “BBL”
* you check your e-mail and forget you have real mail aka snail mail
* you go into withdrawals during dinner
* you spend at least 30 minutes making sure you say goodbye to everyone in a room
* you stop speaking in full sentences
* you have gone into an unstaffed tech support room and ended up “giving” tech support to other AOLers
* you have to be pried from your computer with the Jaws-of-Life
* your last sexual experience was really just a “textual” experience
* you set your kitchen on fire while cooking dinner because you wanted to “check your mail” and while you were there you “just wanted to see who’s on”
* you meet people from AOL in public and have no idea what their real name is, so you call them by their s/n.
A Novel Approach to Saving Money
Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.
“How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asks an accountant.
“Watch and you’ll see,” answers an engineer.
They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, “Ticket, please.”
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don’t buy a ticket at all.
“How are you going to travel without a ticket?” says one perplexed accountant.
“Watch and you’ll see,” answers an engineer.
When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, Ticket, please.”
Acquired Paint Shop Pro Syndrome
The Centre for Disease Control in Atlanta today announced the identification of a new disease.
Tentatively named Acquired Paint Shop Pro Syndrome, the disease is highly infectious. Scientists at CDC say the disease is caused by a bacillus called staphloaibrush because of its brush-like shape. Under the microscope the bacillus is long and slender with a bristle like appendage at one end.
Symptoms of the disease include feverish babbling of words, such as font, blade, image, fill, and talking about invisible friends such as Kittypoo, Luv2pnt,and Qeenfont etc. Additionally, symptoms include feverish trading and storing of filters, masks and plug-ins, and a ‘groaning Graphics folder.
The disease is especially dangerous because it cannot only be passed along directly from one infected individual to another, but documented cases have been found where the sufferer caught the disease from reading a tutorial or joining a graphics exchange group.
The CDC says that while the disease is especially prevalent on an Internet Server called America Online cases have been found on other Servers around the globe.
Family members should be aware that while the disease may occasionally enter remission, it is at present incurable.
The patient should be given a quiet corner with a comfortable chair, ample supply of snack type treats, and good lighting. Interruptions should be minimized.
Apple Computers
Apple had a new computer under development. Their project name for it was “Carl Sagan” (I don’t know why).
When the real Carl Sagan learned about this, he was upset. He demanded that Apple stop using his name, even for their private, internal projects.
Apple agreed. They changed the name of the project to “Butthead Astronomer”.
AOL Pie
A long, long, time ago
I can still remember when I dialed up their help desk lines.
And I knew if I had the chance
They could make my modem dance
with chats and GIFs and silly pick-up lines.
But Help Desk phone calls made me shiver
with every busy they’d deliver.
Bad news on the front page
A 19-hour outrage.
I can’t remember if I cried
When I realized that Steve Case had lied.
But something touched me deep inside
The day the service died.
So bye bye to Amer’ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it’s working just fine.
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this’ll be the day that they die.
This’ll be the day that they die.
Did you write the book of TOS
Will you send your password to PWD-BOSS
If an IM tells you so.
And will you believe the Motley Fool
When he tells you that the service rules
And can you teach me how to Web real slow?
Well I know you sold the service short
Cause I saw your quarterly report.
Steve Case sold off his stock
It fell just like a rock.
It was a crazy, costly high-tech play
As they slashed away at what subscribers pay
And half their users went away
the day the service died.
So bye bye…
Well for two days we’ve been on our own
And dial-ins click on a rolling phone
But that’s not how it used to be
When the mogul came to Virginia court
With an OS icon and a browser port
And a desktop that looked like Apple III.
And while Jim Clark was looking down
The mogul stole his thorny crown
The browser war was turned.
Mozilla…was spurned.
And while Steve left users out to bond
With hosts unable to respond
6 million newbies all were conned
the day the service died.
So bye bye…
Da Chronic ducked their software guards
And stole a million credit cards
To use accounts he’d gotten free.
And so Steve Case went to the FBI
and he told Boardwatch* a little lie
That hackers wanted child pornography *
But while Steve Case was looking down
The hackers pulled his e-mail down
They put it on the net.
He can’t be trusted yet!
And while user cynicism climbs
At sign-on ads and welcome rhymes
They scan their e-mail for “Good Times”
the day the service died.
So bye bye…
Helter-skelter billing needs a melter
The lawyers filed a class-action shelter
Eight million in lawyer’s fees.
But it looks like some attorney jibe
an hour if they resubscribe.
To a service marketed for free
Well I KNOW you’re raking in the bucks
Cause I’m reading alt.aol-sucks.
“Until we bless the suit
The settlement is moot.”
“If AOL treats you like the Borg
Then visit aolsucks.org
Before some router pulls the cord…”
the day the service died.
So bye bye…
Bill Razzouk, the head-to-be
sold off his home in Tennessee
And headed for a 4-month end.
Was he sad or just incensed
when Case offered him his thirty cents.
Billing is the devil’s only friend.
But as I read him on the page
My hands were clenched in fists of rage.
No “Welcome” born in hell
could ring that chatroom bell.
And as chat freaks cried into the night
CompuServe read their last rites.
I saw Earthlink laughing with delight
the day the service died.
So bye bye…
I met a girl in Lobby 9
And I asked her if she’d stay on-line.
But she just frowned and looked away.
And I went back to the Member Lounge
To see what loyalty I could scrounge
But Room Host said the members went away…
And on the net the modems scream
At faster speeds and data streams.
And not a tear was spoken.
The hourly fees were broken.
And the three men that I hated most
Ted, and Steve, and Razzouk’s ghost
They couldn’t dial up the host
The day the service died.
Accident
There was an engineer, manager and programmer driving down a steep mountain road.
The brakes failed and the car careened down the road out of control.
Half way down the driver managed to stop the car by running it against the embankment narrowing avoiding going over a cliff.
They all got out, shaken by their narrow escape from death, but otherwise unharmed.
The manager said “To fix this problem we need to organize a committee, have meetings, and through a process of continuous improvement, develop a solution.”
The engineer said “No that would take too long, and besides that method never worked before. I have my trusty pen knife here and will take apart the brake system, isolate the problem and correct it.”
The programmer said “I think you’re both wrong! I think we should all push the car back up the hill and see if it happens again.”
An artist, a lawyer, and a computer scientist
An artist, a lawyer, and a computer scientist are discussing the merits of a mistress. The artist tells of the passion, the thrill which comes with the risk of being discovered. The lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead to guilt, divorce, bankruptcy. Not worth it. Too many problems. The computer scientist says “It’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. My wife thinks I’m with my mistress. My mistress thinks I’m home with my wife, and I can spend all night on the computer!”
A Guide to Modern Operating Systems
Unix
You shoot yourself in the foot.
DOS
You keep running up against the one-bullet barrier.
MS-Windows
The gun blows up in your hand.
Windows NT
The gun is so huge and unwieldy that you have to keep swapping it from one hand to the other.
OS/2
The gun and the bullet aren’t speaking to each other any more.
Mac Finder
It’s easy to shoot yourself in the foot — just point and shoot.
AIX
You can shoot yourself in the foot with either a .38 or a .45.
IRIX
The Terminator shoots you in the foot. A T-Rex bites your other foot.
SVR4
The gun isn’t compatible with your foot.
Minix
You learn how to shoot yourself in the foot with a Saturday Night Special.
Linux
Generous programmers from around the world all join forces to help you shoot yourself in the foot for free.
HURD
You’ll be able to shoot yourself in the foot Real Soon Now.
VM/CMS
IBM shoots you in the foot.
VMS
FOOT ambiguous: supply more toes.
AMIGA-DOS
The gun works pretty well, except that few people use one and it’s impossible to find bullets.
Mach
The bullets work pretty well, but they don’t make guns for it any more.
Cray
You shoot yourself in the foot with an Uzi.
MasPar
You shoot all of your friends’ feet simultaneously.
2 Programmers on a Highway
Two computer programmers are driving on a Highway. They switch on the radio and there is a warning: Please note that a car is driving on highway 75 against the traffic. The programmer near the driver looks at him and says: One? There are hundreds of them.
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