Blind Carpenter
A blind carpenter walks into a lumber mill and shouts out, “I am a blind carpenter and I need a job.”
The foreman walks over to the blind carpenter and says, “If you’re blind, how can you work in a lumber yard?”
The blind carpenter says, “I can tell any piece of lumber by it’s smell.”
The foreman […]
You Know You’re Too Stressed If…
…relatives that have been dead for years come visit you and suggest that you should get some rest.
…you can achieve a “Runners High” by sitting up.
…you say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
…the Sun is too loud.
…trees begin chasing you.
…you can see individual air molecules vibrating.
…you […]
Useful Work Phrases
1. Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
2. The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.
3. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
4. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
5. I have plenty of talent […]
Stupid Tricks For Points
(Betcha can’t score more than 15 points by the end of the day!)
One-Point Gags
——————–
· Ignore the first five people who say ‘good morning’ to you.
· In the middle of a meeting, suddenly shout out “Yahtzee!”
· Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, “Sorry, I really prefer it this way.”
· […]
Employee Sport Preferences
After a two year long study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on corporate America’s recreation preferences.
1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is: Basketball.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is: Bowling.
3. The sport of choice for front line workers is: Football.
4. The sport of choice for […]
Which Hole?
A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole, and you’re a hole behind me, so you […]
Things to Say at a Job Interview
See photo of interviewer’s family on desk, point, start laughing uncontrollably.
Ask if there is only one emergency exit, grin and say; ‘Boy!, I bet this floor would be in trouble if someone barricaded that.’
Constantly fidget with underwear waistband, then blurt: ‘The strawberry ones are the stickiest, don’t ya’ think?’
After detailing your greatest achievement, qualify with, […]
Reasons For Being Fired From Toys ‘R’ Us
15. A little too much joie de vivre while demonstrating the erector set, if you know what I mean.
14. Every time you’re passed over for a promotion, you stick your head in an Easy Bake Oven and threaten to “end it all.”
13. You got caught adding a garage to your house using embezzled Lego bricks.
12. […]
How to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity in the Workplace
1) Page yourself over the intercom. Don’t disguise your voice.
2) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after you boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender.
3) Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these […]
Twenty Management Styles
1) MANAGING BY WALKING FASTER THAN THE EMPLOYEES These kind of managers you will always see in the corridor, ten steps away. “We’ll have to talk” you can hear them say, just as they have disappeared around the corner.
2) MANAGING BY STARING OUT OF THE WINDOW These managers you usually meet with their backside faced […]
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Fungus Under Nail
