Stranger Than Fiction
PHILLIPSBURG, NJ.
An unidentified 29-year-old male choked to death on a sequined pastie he had orally removed from an exotic dancer at a local establishment. “I didn’t think he was going to eat it,” said the dancer identified only as “Ginger,” adding, “He was really drunk.”
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Female Bashing
Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?
A; None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
Q: Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up women?
A: Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.
Q: Why do women have […]
Funny Signs in Great Britain (but could be anywhere)
1. IN A LAUNDROMAT: Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.
2. IN A LONDON DEPARTMENT STORE: Bargain Basement Upstairs
3. IN AN OFFICE: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday kindly bring it back or further steps will be taken.
4. IN ANOTHER OFFICE: After the tea break, staff […]
Did you know…
The average chocolate bar has 8 insect legs in it.
A rhinoceros horn is made of compacted hair.
The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896.
Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes.
A polar bear’s skin is black. Its fur is not white, but actually clear.
Elvis had a twin brother named Garon, who died at birth, […]
Rejected Dr. Seuss Books
1. One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, Blue Bitch
2. Who Shat in the Hat?
3. Horton Hires a Ho
4. Fox in Detox
5. Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert
6. The Flesh-Eating Lorax
7. How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day
8. Your Colon Can Moo–Can You?
9. Zippy the Rabid Gerbil
10. The Cat in the Blender
11. Are You My Proctologist?
12. Yentl the […]
Millennium Pie
(with apologies to Don McLean, American Pie)
A long, long time ago…
I can still remember how
Computers used to make me smile.
And I knew if I had my chance,
That I could make electrons dance,
And maybe I’d be happy for a while.
But January made me shiver,
it chilled me deep down in my liver,
Bad news I’d collected…
I couldn’t get […]
Thoughts
1. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
2. If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide is that considered a hostage situation?
3. Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn’t live there.
4. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
5. […]
I’ve learned…
…that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
…that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.
…that it takes years to build up trust, and only suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
…that you can get by on charm for about […]
Personal Mottos
A hard-on doesn’t count as personal growth.
Do I look like a fucking people person?
This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.
I started out with nothing…and I still have most of it left.
I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
And just how may I fuck you over […]
The Butcher Dance
A guy has spent five years traveling all around the world making a documentary on Native dances. At the end of this time, he has every single native dance of every indigenous culture in the world on film. He winds up in Australia, in Alice Springs, so he pops into a pub for a well […]
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Fingernails Care
Italy Calling Card
Prepaid Phone Cards On Sale
Kittens For Sale
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