Billy Bobs New Job
Billy Bob wanted a job as a signalman on the railways. He was told to meet the inspector at the signal box.
The inspector asked, “What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?”
Billy Bob replied, “I would switch the points for one of the trains.”
“What […]
Ex-Lax Cough Syrup
John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted.
Bob, the owner, had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.
Just then a man came in coughing and he asked John for their […]
The Football Exam
Two football players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the Sugar Bowl the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank. The last question read, “Old MacDonald had a _________.”
Bubba was stumped. He had no idea of the answer. He knew he […]
38 Kinder, Gentler Ways to Say Someone is Stupid
1. A few clowns short of a circus
2. A few fries short of a Happy Meal
3. An experiement in artifical stupidity
4. A few beers short of a six-pack
5. Dumber than a box of hair
6. A few peas short of a casserole
7. Doesn’t have all his cornflakes in one box
8. The wheel’s spinning but the hamster’s […]
Actual Label Instructions On Consumer Goods
On Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.
On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.
On some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost.
On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert:(printed on bottom of the box) Do not turn upside down.
On Marks & Spencer […]
GEORGE CARLIN’S NEW RULES
New Rule : Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There’s a reason you don’t talk to people for 25 years. Because you don’t particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: ………..mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don’t eat anything that’s served to you out […]
Irish Bank Robbery
Excerpted from an article about a bank robbery which appeared in the Dublin Times (metropolitan edition, page 2A) on 2 March 1999:
Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the internal security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash and valuables, […]
How To Be Annoying In Newsgroups
Make up fake acronyms. On-line veterans like to use abbreviations like IMHO (in my humble opinion) and RTFM (read the f…… manual) to show that they’re “hip” to the lingo. Make up your own that don’t stand for anything (SETO, BARL, CP30), use them liberally, and then refuse to explain what they stand for (”You […]
Euphemisms For Being Stupid
A beer short of a six pack.
A brick short of a load.
A couple of eggs shy of a dozen.
A couple of gallons short of a full tank.
A few ants short of a picnic.
A few beers short of a six-pack.
A few bricks short of a pile.
A few bricks short of a wall.
A few cards short of […]
Bubba’s Buttholes
Bubba died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad and the morgue needed someone to identify the body. So his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer,were sent for. Daryl went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Daryl said, “Yup, he’s burnt pretty bad. Roll him over.” So the mortician rolled him over […]
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