The Three Stooges on HMO’s
Q. What does HMO stand for?
A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, “Hey, Moe!” Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Doctor Moe Howard, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes. Modern practice […]
Comedians’ Best Lines, 1997
“I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, ‘You’ll never find anyone like me again!’ I’m thinking, ‘I should hope not! If I don’t want you, why would I want someone like you?’
–Larry Miller
“A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new […]
Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?
JERRY FALWELL:
Because the chicken was gay! Isn’t it obvious? Can’t you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the “other side.” That’s what “they” call it: the “other side.” Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. […]
Confucious Says
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Man who stand on toilet high on pot.
It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl!
Man who jizz in cash register come into money.
Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.
Man who fart in church must […]
Signs You Have Had Too Much Of The 90’s
You try to enter your password on the microwave.
You haven’t played solitaire with a real deck of cards in a year.
You have a list of fifteen phone numbers to reach your family of three.
Your daughter just bought a CD of all the records your college roommate used to play that you most despised.
Every commercial on […]
Expressions For High Stress Days
1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
2. Well, aren’t we just a ray of fucking sunshine?
3. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
4. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?
5. A hard-on doesn’t count as personal growth.
6. Don’t bother me. I’m living happily ever after.
7. Do I look like […]
6 Things to do in an Elavator
1. When the elevator doors close, exclaim loudly “Don’t be alarmed folks, the doors will open again shortly”.
2. Press all of the buttons in the elevator when you get out - especially when other people are still in it.
3. Introduce your imaginary friend. And have a conversation with them.
4. Stand at the front of the […]
Things To Ponder
Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?
If people from Poland are called “Poles,” why aren’t people from Holland called “Holes?”
“I am” is […]
Kids Books You’ll Never See
“You Were an Accident”
“How to Dress Sexy for Grownups”
“Strangers Have the Best Candy”
“Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her”
“Bi-Curious George”
“The Little Sissy Who Snitched”
“Some Kittens Can Fly!”
“Getting More Chocolate on Your Face”
“Why Can’t Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?”
“Daddy Drinks Because You Cry”
“Where Would You Like to Be Buried?”
“The Attention Deficit […]
She Was So Blond…
…she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said “concentrate”.
…she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
…she got stabbed in a shoot-out.
…she told me to meet her at the corner of “WALK” and “DONT WALK”.
…she thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
…she tried to put […]
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