Bear Advisory
The Forest Service has issued a BEAR WARNING in the national forests for this summer. They’re urging everyone to protect themselves by wearing bells and carrying pepper spray.
Campers should be alert for signs of fresh bear activity, and they should be able to tell the difference between Black Bear dung and Grizzy Bear dung.
Black Bear […]
Things to Say at a Job Interview
See photo of interviewer’s family on desk, point, start laughing uncontrollably.
Ask if there is only one emergency exit, grin and say; ‘Boy!, I bet this floor would be in trouble if someone barricaded that.’
Constantly fidget with underwear waistband, then blurt: ‘The strawberry ones are the stickiest, don’t ya’ think?’
After detailing your greatest achievement, qualify with, […]
DEATH STAR = DEATH TRAP
For all the yipping Admiral Motti does about his station being the “ultimate power in the universe,” certain aspects of the Death Star’s construction leave a lot to be desired. Indeed, on several occasions the Death Star’s sinister engineers seemingly made it one of their design specifications to make things as dangerous as possible.
Consider these […]
Microsoft vs. GM
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, “If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal.”
Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement, “Yes, but would […]
12 Step Program Of Recovery For Web Addicts
1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my PAPER newspaper like I used to, before the Web.
2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.
3) I will get dressed before noon.
4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, […]
Reasons For Being Fired From Toys ‘R’ Us
15. A little too much joie de vivre while demonstrating the erector set, if you know what I mean.
14. Every time you’re passed over for a promotion, you stick your head in an Easy Bake Oven and threaten to “end it all.”
13. You got caught adding a garage to your house using embezzled Lego bricks.
12. […]
Comedians’ Best Lines, 1997
“I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, ‘You’ll never find anyone like me again!’ I’m thinking, ‘I should hope not! If I don’t want you, why would I want someone like you?’
–Larry Miller
“A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new […]
Why the Chicken Crossed the Road..In the Words of the Star Wars Characters
YODA: Crossing the road makes not a chicken great.
VADER: Because it could not resist the power of the Dark Side.
LUKE: Crossing the road is one thing, this is…. totally different.
LUKE: I want to follow the ways of the chicken and cross the road like my father.
LEIA: I don’t know… but I have a bad feeling […]
You know you’re having a bad day when
Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Hell’s Angels.
The worst player on the golf course wants to play you for money.
You call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.
You get to work and find a “60 Minutes” news team waiting in your office.
Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
You find […]
Funny Bumper Stickers
Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ASS?
If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you’re an asshole.
100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest?
Your gene pool needs a little chlorine.
You’re just jealous because the voices are talking […]
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