12 Days Of Helpdesk
On the first day of Christmas, a user gave to me
A problem with E.T.
On the second day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Two VendaCards and a problem with E.T.
On the third day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Three dead disks,
Two venda cards, and a problem with E.T.
On the fourth day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Four virused files, three dead disks,
Two VendaCards, and a problem with E.T.
On the fifth day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Five Token Rings (*snap!*)
Four virused files, three dead disks,
Two VendaCards, and a problem with E.T.
On the sixth day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Six servers crashing,
Five Token Rings (*snap!*)
Four virused files, three dead disks,
Two VendaCards, and a problem with E.T.
On the seventh day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Seven files missing, six servers crashing,
Five Token Rings (*snap!*)
Four virused files, three dead disks,
Two VendaCards, and a problem with E.T.
On the eighth day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Eight phones a-ringing,
Seven files missing, six servers crashing,
Five Token Rings (*snap!*)
Four virused files, three dead disks,
Two VendaCards, and a problem with E.T.
On the ninth day of Chrsitmas, a user gave to me
Nine printers jamming, eight phones a-ringing,
Seven files missing, six servers crashing,
Five Token Rings (*snap!*)
Four virused files, three dead disks,
Two VendaCards, and a problem with E.T.
On the tenth day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Ten ribbons fading,
Nine printers jamming, eight phones a-ringing,
Seven files missing, six servers crashing,
Five Token Rings (*snap!*)
Four virused files, three dead disks,
Two VendaCards, and a problem with E.T.
On the eleventh day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Eleven system errors, ten ribbons fading,
Nine printers jamming, eight phones a-ringing,
Seven files missing, six servers crashing,
Five Token Rings (*snap!*)
Four virused files, three dead disks,
Two VendaCards, and a problem with E.T.
On the twelfth day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Twelve e-mail problems,
Eleven system errors, ten ribbons fading,
Nine printers jamming, eight phones a-ringing,
Seven files missing, six servers crashing,
Five Token Rings (*snap!*)
Four virused files, three dead disks,
Two VendaCards, and a problem with E.T.
The 12 bugs of Christmas
For the first bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
See if they can do it again.
For the second bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the third bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the fourth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the fifth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the sixth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the seventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the eighth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the ninth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the tenth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the eleventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Say it’s not supported
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the twelfth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Tell them it’s a feature
Say it’s not supported
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
Email Mistakes
It’s wise to remember how easily email — this wonderful technology — can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.
Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email.
Unfortunately, when typing her address, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
“Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. P.S. Sure is hot down here.”
Classic Hack
Here is a story about one of the classic computer hacks.
Back in the mid-1970s, several of the system support staff at Motorola discovered a relatively simple way to crack system security on the Xerox CP-V timesharing system. Through a simple programming strategy, it was possible for a user program to trick the system into running a portion of the program in `master mode’ (supervisor state), in which memory protection does not apply. The program could then poke a large value into its `privilege level’ byte (normally write-protected) and could then proceed to bypass all levels of security within the file-management system, patch the system monitor, and do numerous other interesting things. In short, the barn door was wide open.
Motorola quite properly reported this problem to Xerox via an official `level 1 SIDR’ (a bug report with an intended urgency of `needs to be fixed yesterday’). Because the text of each SIDR was entered into a database that could be viewed by quite a number of people, Motorola followed the approved procedure: they simply reported the problem as `Security SIDR’, and attached all of the necessary documentation, ways-to-reproduce, etc.
The CP-V people at Xerox sat on their thumbs; they either didn’t realize the severity of the problem, or didn’t assign the necessary operating-system-staff resources to develop and distribute an official patch.
Months passed. The Motorola guys pestered their Xerox field-support rep, to no avail. Finally they decided to take direct action, to demonstrate to Xerox management just how easily the system could be cracked and just how thoroughly the security safeguards could be subverted.
They dug around in the operating-system listings and devised a thoroughly devilish set of patches. These patches were then incorporated into a pair of programs called `Robin Hood’ and `Friar Tuck’. Robin Hood and Friar Tuck were designed to run as `ghost jobs’ (daemons, in UNIX terminology); they would use the existing loophole to subvert system security, install the necessary patches, and then keep an eye on one another’s statuses in order to keep the system operator (in effect, the superuser) from aborting them.
One fine day, the system operator on the main CP-V software development system in El Segundo was surprised by a number of unusual phenomena. These included the following:
* Tape drives would rewind and dismount their tapes in the middle of a job. * Disk drives would seek back and forth so rapidly that they would attempt to walk across the floor. * The card-punch output device would occasionally start up of itself and punch a lace card. These would usually jam in the punch. * The console would print snide and insulting messages from Robin Hood to Friar Tuck, or vice versa. * The Xerox card reader had two output stackers; it could be instructed to stack into A, stack into B, or stack into A (unless a card was unreadable, in which case the bad card was placed into stacker B). One of the patches installed by the ghosts added some code to the card-reader driver… after reading a card, it would flip over to the opposite stacker. As a result, card decks would divide themselves in half when they were read, leaving the operator to re collate them manually.
Naturally, the operator called in the operating-system developers. They found the bandit ghost jobs running, and X’ed them… and were once again surprised. When Robin Hood was X’ed, the following sequence of events took place:
!X id1
id1: Friar Tuck… I am under attack! Pray save me! id1: Off (aborted)
id2: Fear not, friend Robin! I shall rout the Sheriff of Nottingham’s men!
id1: Thank you, my good fellow!
Each ghost-job would detect the fact that the other had been killed, and would start a new copy of the recently slain program within a few milliseconds. The only way to kill both ghosts was to kill them simultaneously (very difficult) or to deliberately crash the system.
Finally, the system programmers did the latter — only to find that the bandits appeared once again when the system rebooted! It turned out that these two programs had patched the boot-time OS image (the kernel file, in UNIX terms) and had added themselves to the list of programs that were to be started at boot time.
The Robin Hood and Friar Tuck ghosts were finally eradicated when the system staff rebooted the system from a clean boot-tape and reinstalled the monitor. Not long thereafter, Xerox released a patch for this problem.
It is alleged that Xerox filed a complaint with Motorola’s management about the merry-prankster actions of the two employees in question. It is not recorded that any serious disciplinary action was taken against either of them.
Consultants
A man walks into a Silicon Valley pet store looking for a monkey. The storeowner points towards three identical looking monkeys in politically correct, animal-friendly natural mini-habitats.
“The one to the left costs $500,” says the storeowner.
“Why so much?” asks the customer.
“Because it can program in C,” answers the storeowner.
The customer inquires about the next monkey and is told that “That one costs $1500, because it knows Visual C++ and Object-Relational technology.”
The startled man then asks about the third monkey.
“That one costs $3000,” answers the storeowner.
“$3000!” exclaims the man. “What can that one do?”
To which the owner replies, “To be honest, I’ve never seen it do a single thing, but it calls itself a Consultant.”
Consultants Commandments
If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
He who hesitates is probably right.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
Work is accomplished by those employees who are still striving to reach their level of incompetence.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up. (Project Management at its best).
Care And Feeding Of Your Computer
I’ve been working on a project at work to ensure all our end users know how to back up data in preparation for company wide computer upgrades. I’m tempted to hand this out to some of our users.
1. Never leave diskettes in the disk drive, as data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.
2. Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles can be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metallic shavings can be removed with scouring powder and soap. When waxing diskettes, make sure application is even. This will allow the diskettes to spin faster, resulting in better access time.
3. Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit in the drive. “Big” diskettes may be folded and used in “little” disk drives.
4. Never insert a disk into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive.
5. Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through the Xerox machine. If your data needs to be backed up, simply insert two diskettes together into the drive whenever you update a document; the data will be recorded on both diskettes.
6. Diskettes should not be inserted into or removed from the drive while the red light is flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text. Occasionally the red light continues to flash in what is known as a “hung” or “hooked” state. If your system is “hooking” you, you will probably need to insert several dollars before being allowed to access the disk drive.
7. If your diskette is full and you need more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for two minutes. This will pack the data (”data compression”) enough to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all the openings with scotch tape to prevent loss of data.
Blue Screen of Death
In a surprise announcement today, Microsoft President Steve Ballmer revealed that the Redmond-based company will allow computer resellers and end-users to customize the appearance of the Blue Screen of Death (BSOD), the screen that displays when the Windows operating system crashes.
The move comes as the result of numerous focus groups and customer surveys done by Microsoft. Thousands of Microsoft customers were asked, “What do you spend the most time doing on your computer?”
A surprising number of respondents said, “Staring at a Blue Screen of Death.” At 54 percent, it was the top answer, beating the second place answer “Downloading XXXScans” by an easy 12 points.
“We immediately recognized this as a great opportunity for ourselves, our channel partners, and especially our customers,” explained the excited Ballmer to a room full of reporters.
Immense video displays were used to show images of the new customizable BSOD screen side-by-side with the older static version. Users can select from a collection of “BSOD Themes,” allowing them to instead have a Mauve Screen of Death or even a Paisley Screen of Death. Graphics and multimedia content can now be incorporated into the screen, making the BSOD the perfect conduit for delivering product information and entertainment to Windows users.
The BSOD is by far the most recognized feature of the Windows operating system, and as a result, Microsoft has historically insisted on total control over its look and feel. This recent departure from that policy reflects Microsoft’s recognition of the Windows desktop itself as the “ultimate information portal.” By default, the new BSOD will be configured to show a random selection of Microsoft product information whenever the system crashes. Microsoft channel partners can negotiate with Microsoft for the right to customize the BSOD on systems they ship.
Major computer resellers such as Compaq, Gateway, and Dell are already lining up for premier placement on the new and improved BSOD. Ballmer concluded by getting a dig in against the Open Source community. “This just goes to show that Microsoft continues to innovate at a much faster pace than open source. I have yet to see any evidence that Linux even has a BSOD, let alone a customizable one.”
Browser Wars
WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP, Sept. 2, 2002) — Senate Majority Leader Ray Noorda (P-Utah) today demanded that the Department of Justice order Microsoft and Netscape to cease development of new Internet browsers, saying the ever-escalating battle for Internet dominance had sapped the American economy of its vitality.
In an impassioned speech before the Perotista-controlled Senate, Noorda, once a key figure in the information technology industry, claimed American workers and shoppers are so consumed with downloading new browser versions, Netscape plug-ins and Microsoft ActiveX Controls that they no longer have time to produce anything of value or to consume products. “We have been transformed from a nation of thinkers and doers to a nation of downloaders worried about whether we are keeping up with the technological Joneses,” Noorda said.
Noorda’s comments came only a day after Netscape released Version 407 of its Navigator browser, which includes the ability to listen to AM radio from any laptop. Version 407 had just completed its 37-hour beta trial, while versions 408, 409, 410 and 411 are in development. Microsoft, which has been criticized of late for slipping behind Netscape in the browser race, vowed to deliver Version 405 of its Internet Explorer “before the next major religious holiday,” though company spokesman Jim Manzi declined to specify which religion the company was referring to. Mark Gibbs, author of IDG Books’ best-selling “Deleting Old Browsers for Dummies”, said the continuing instability in the Internet market has virtually halted development of new applications. “How can you build to a platform that only lasts 51 days?” asked Gibbs. “The only apps being developed now are crossword puzzles and 3-D, rotatable crossword applets.”
According to research firm International Data Corp., the average PC user now has 62 browsers installed. That has significantly limited the usefulness of the desktop machine because each “browser/operating system/object bucket/API repository” consumes a minimum of 1G bytes of storage and requires 256M bytes of RAM to operate (somewhat less if the touchscreen option is disabled). Intel Corp. recommends the use of at least a 757-MHz Decadium processor to support current browsers. “There is no capacity left to run any other application,” said IDC Chief Executive Officer Bob Frankenberg. “Our PCs, in essence, are simply containers for browsers.”
In the late 1990’s, it was hoped that the browser model of accessing information would actually allow for the development of simpler, less expensive desktop devices that would rely on applications and data housed on Internet servers. But the dream of the so-called Internet device died with the release of Internet Explorer Version 231, which cracked the 800M byte storage requirement and supported some 257,462 ActiveX, DirectDraw, VB, DirectX, VisualX++ and InActiveX Controls.
“It’s a shame, really,” said former Oracle CEO Lawrence Ellison, who was a vocal proponent of the Internet device idea at the time. “We could have been freed from the Web of Microsoft control, no pun intended. But Bill outmaneuvered us again,” added “Big Larry” Ellison, who now runs the Used Cars ‘R’ Us operation on the Auto Mile in Redwood City, Calif.
In response to Noorda’s call for federal intervention, the Justice Department issued an electronic press release available on its Web site www.bookem.gov.
“We firmly believe the free market is the best arbiter of whether development should continue on Web browsers and servers.”
Endless Loop
A programmer had been missing from work for over a week when finally someone noticed and called the cops.
They went round to his flat and broke the door down. They found him dead in the still running shower with an empty bottle of shampoo next to his body. Apparently he’d been washing his hair.
The instructions on the bottle said:
* Wet hair
* Apply shampoo
* Wait 2 minutes
* Rinse
* Repeat
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